Pieces (1982)

Pieces (1982)
W: Dick Randall and John Shadow
D: J. Simon


Here’s another bought it and it sat on my shelf for months dvd, however this time around I wasn’t emphatically insane about it. It’s a good gory above average chainsaw killer story (not enough of them these days) that made me think of Argento movies and wished I was watching Deep Red. This one is the story of a child who kills his mother and forty years later is on a college campus killing young ladies for body parts…. To stitch back together, oh of course!

This one gets stupid points for bimbos that don’t know how to run, even when a chainsaw is slowly being drawn at them, and amazing detective work by a … detective and a college student! But what makes this movie a classic is the awesome death scenes. When it comes to horror, being scared and watching death is the sexual release. Pieces does not let up, from its opening matricide with an axe to the severing of arms in an elevator, the gore in this flick is delightful. Another of the highlights is an off key performance by Paul L Smith, yeah you know him from PopEye (with Robin Williams) and the criminally underseen CrimeWave, who plays one of the suspects of the college murders. He’s a big eye twitching, on the verge of talking to himself humogous mofo…he also seems to never hear the murders happening… did I mention chainsaws make noises, very loud noises, oh right, One Positive (gratious chainsaw death scenes) plus One Positive (gratuitously naked screaming teenies) equals negative detection of noise! Brilliant!

This movie is pretty terrible, but I liked it anyway. With tons of gore and bad acting this is a party favorite for sure, plus the Dvd available from GrindHouse Releasing has a great transfer and looks clean and crisp, and also it makes the blood look that much more, REAL!

The Strange Case of Senor Computer (1999)

Strange Case of Senor Computer (1999)
Written by Tom Sawyer
Directed by Tom Sawyer


A robot built for company and high tech calculating skills, soon develops curiosity and emotion, starting to believe it is human. Charles, the robots creator, is a man who brilliant is devoid of knowing how to deal with human contact. Whenever Charles leaves for work, Carlotta, the housekeeper, starts teaching the robot little things about life and the robot goes from infant to pre-teen level of thought. He also develops a sense of life through television, not knowing any better. Ike, as the robot likes to be called, starts waning for human contact and starts calling people long distance, racking up credit card debts and woman.

This is one of the strangest movies I’ve ever seen. I love it though. Not because I have a benign love for everything weird, but this movie is so wildly inventive on clearly such a low budget. The acting is great, the photography appropriate and the dialogue is timeless. At one point in the movie Ike convinces a woman he’s never met to masturbate over the phone, which makes her crazy for him.

What makes the film interesting is how bad you feel for the infantile robot and its creator. It’s got an A.I. feel, but with the rawness of an eighties New York underground movie. There are some extremely bizarre scenes, one seen from the robots point of view as it starts screaming like a baby.

One of my complaints though, is since the robot narrates the film, there are moments where the narration is muddled, and you miss a lot of the words said, for me at least.

I highly recommend it for anybody looking for something new and unique.

Screwed (1998)

Screwed (1998)
W: Teruo Ishii
D: Teruo Ishii


This one looks like the rival of Tetsuo The Iron Man, but comes nowhere close to that level of insanity. With a cover promising wild pyschedlic sexuality and madness, what we get is more akin to Japan’s answer to a Richard Linklater movie.

The always excellent Tabanobu Asano (Ichi the Killer, Shark Skin Man and Peach Hip Girl) leads the cast in this bizarre tale of lost love, artistry and loneliness. The opening montage is a David Lynch look into his world as he thinks about his comics, for you see he is a comic book artist, but as we quickly learn his mind starts drifting away from it when his girlfriend breaks up with him. And since they live together, she’s kind of bringing home the person she’s with. He goes on a journey and ends up in a small fishing village where he starts anew, but stays the same. Never taking advantage of the life he so dearly wants.

What sets this apart from some love lorn movies, is this movie is almost devoid of emotion from most of the actors. The dialogue sharp and witty when its being quite frank with feelings. However, I believed I was going to see one of the most insane films of my life and was very surprised. Cover art is very deceiving, don’t get me wrong there are weird dreams and some crazy fantasy in here, but the bulk of the film takes place in a reality that isn’t unlike what we’ve seen before, just presented askew.

Of Unknown Origin (1983)

Of Unknown Origin (1983)
Written by Brian Taggert
Directed by George P Cosmatos


This is a sharp clever apartment thriller which melds Jaws with Willard. The always great Peter Weller plays a corporate executive Bart Hughes, whose wife (Shannon Tweed in her first role) and kid goes off to stay with her mother. After they are gone, Bart soon starts to notice strange going ons in the home and finds himself struggling against a very big rat. The direction is tense and so is the atmosphere, the rat is presumably very intelligent. One scene shows it chewing through wires while Bart’s on the phone. Bart becomes quickly obsessed with killing the creature and buys up tons of equipment to kill it, all the while wreaking havoc on his home.

It’s the type of movie that isn’t unknown, you’ve seen the formula dozens of times, particularly with Hitchcock movies, but what sets this apart is the conviction played by Peter Weller. His believability into spiraling out of control is worth the watch.
It was produced by Pierre David, his name was attached to some of the eighties David Cronenberg movies. It also won Best Actor and Film awards at the Paris International Film Festival. Cosmatos went on to direct the excellent Tombstone years later.

The Fourth Kind (2009)

The Fourth Kind (2009)
written and directed by Olatunde Osunsanmi


Undoubtedly the found footage genre keeps getting ground, and is boosting more careers since the heyday of Soderbergh and Tarantino when 'independent' was in. Now that it is showing far more inexpensive to shoot in this process, except Cloverfield which had very excellent special effects intergrated, the pseudo-documentary is pratically the way to go. Unfortunately by the time Cloverfield hit, and then Rec's remake Quarantine, the genre is starting to show wear and tear.

To start off, I was sporting a minor crush on the idea of documentry half re-enactment of alien abductions, given that I have the penchant to believe, of course, there is the possibilty of life beyond our universe, thats just as intelligent...or just as good at pretending to be intelligent, like us, I know I'm damn good at that. Also, being the movie geek I am, Milla Jovovich is another reason to see any movie. Except for those goddamn Resident Evil sequels.

Anyway...

Fourth Kind starts off with a silhouetted, stylishly shot emerging Milla, as she straight faces the camera and tells us, what you are about to see is real... Yay I love Unsolved Mysteries. It soon goes into an interview with the films director and case study Dr Abigail Taylor, the films center piece of controversy. We are laid out with case study after case study of her patients and their deteriorating states of mind, as one by one under goes unconventional hypnosis to uncover repressed memories of an owl, possible intruders and better yet, no one says it until like an hour in, ALIEN ABDUCTIONS!

The movie does do interesting things, such as archival footage playing side by side the reenactments, we also hear the strange audios, police cruiser footage, which in the course of the movie is unsettling, but not spectacular.

The movie essentially is a bigger budgeted Unsolved Mysteries, with no Robert Stack. I got to say, I read too many glowing reviews before seeing this movie, so I was pumped for something special. Its not special, its not breath taking, and its not even scary.

First of all, nothing is truly explained, granted our subjects on film have had almost all of their names changed and or declined to participate in the making of the film, and second I had problems with the believability. These people are seeing extraordinary things, experiencing them first hand, but treat these experiences as if they were thrift stores, like second hand tales that someone chopped all the detail out of; I wanted more explanation, I wouldn't have cared if they did not even show a glimpse of an alien, for just a little more exposition. To create a story that is purely fictional, hey Blair Witch did the same thing, made a shit load of people believe the story, then come to find out its fake. Yes recently, it was found none of this was true, yay, I guess I can sleep now. I was going to anyway, sarcasm, cough....

From a pure psychological approach though, I would like to discuss the films characters as they are portrayed through their rapid insanities and mental breakdowns. You see, within the first thirty minutes we meet a character who ends up blowing away his family and himself after under going hypnosis. He's big feller, heavy set and looks like he may have carried lumber in the day. After Dr Taylor puts him under hypnosis he freaks out, due to his repressed memory of the night prior, is coming to fruition. His mind can explain what his eyes saw, nor could he possibly describe. We are led to believe that what he saw was so terrifying, he immediately repressed it. Now, I wondered through out the movie, I got to tell you, I watched it with a strong sense of curiosity, I love stories about aliens, but I'm skeptical... still before I lose track I wondered -

Can something be so terrifying, that one would immediately manifest it in the back of the brain, especially if its recent? I can understand people with early child abuse, as a child I remember being flipped off when I got off the bus one day, cried about it, then five minutes later I was playing GI Joes, its like that with children. But adults, in The Fourth Kind, their templates are that of children, full grown, living regular lives, scared out of their wits. I'm a pretty progressive thinker, but the concept did not grab me. I did not believe it. For one thing, why do aliens sneek around snatching people out of windows, who says they use doors, why would they use doors, if they have giant flying saucers that can hover a foot off the ground. What threat would a person hold to an alien, if spotted, if an alien can come in a room, abduct the person then conduct experiments? I guess the arguement is really, would aliens erase your memory or would it be so frightening you wouldn't want to remember it.

I'd like to think I'd remember that shit. If i got abducted, I'd be scared, but intensely fascinated. Alien abduction theories are a fun fascinating look into the human psyche, I guess if we're scared enough we'll believe it...

For me, at the end of the day, I did not appreciate The Fourth Kind. It was a meandering movie that starts with saying 'what you believe is up to you' and ending with the same. So knowing its made up, at least the style was refreshing and new, and hell there were a couple of helicoptor shots I loved. I just thought the characters were devoid of direction, motivation and even character. I guess the major thing that bugged me is when something extraordinary would happen on the archival footage, nobody really mentioned it later, like it never happened. For the most part they stare at each other with sad eyes looking like the may thrown up or cry, or both for that matter.

For what its worth, it'd make a good rent for that Sunday you're feeling off, but there are better alien movies, may I suggest Communion which has genuinely creepy ass moments (or even Chris Walken ass moments, for some reason, theres a whole lotta chris walken ass) or even Ridley Scott's masterpiece Alien, and better yet, at least Dan Aykroyds documentary on abduction theories and alien life is far more interesting.

Like trying on new pants and not being impressed.

Worlds Greatest Dad (2009)

Worlds Greatest Dad (2009)
written and directed by
Bobcat Goldthwait


Whittling a career from years of side characters and few forays into behind the scenes direction, Bobcat Goldthwait is by this point, just the guy that had the weird voice in the police academy movies. But be damned, he is no Curtis Armstrong (Booger from the Nerds movies), he is just quite possibly comedies unprecedented genius that no one has paid attention to.

Worlds Greatest Dad is the best comedy of the year, even after Bruno shocked the living crap out of us with its gratuitous raunchy comedy about Homophobia, and even Judd Apatow relinquishing his hold from king of raunch to a stout little film about comedians with Funny People. It is Bobcat's new film, his third time directing, he inserts his unique outlook on humanity, and delivers a dish so cold and at times poignant that it is hard to look away without laughing or being uncomfortable.

It starts off with a strained father and son relationship, Lance Clayton (played expertly by Robin Williams) and his son Kyle, do not get along very well. Kyle (Daryl Sabara) is stupid, abrasive and extremely crude, while Lance is just a well to dad who happens to teach at the same school, carrying on a relationship with one of the other teachers and has a failing poetry class. Kyle is an extreme pervert, one of the first sequences, is Lance walking in on his son who is trying to reach orgasm and choking himself.

We are introduced to this teenager as he is his, a monstorous personality, one that is despicable, quick with a crude comeback and very mean to his 'best friend'. His sexuality is confused, not meaning he is fighting being gay, but he has no idea what sex is, talking about how shitting on people wouldbe fun and how vagina's do not eat themselves. His crass nature makes it so he is unapproachable.

Lance loves his son though, and tries to include him in all of his life's details, including telling personal information regarding his love affair with the teacher and just plain ole trying to connect with his son.

Then one day after a particularily successful date, Lance comes home to see Kyle strung up against the end of his bed, dead from auterotic aspyhxtiation. As hilarious the consequences are, Robin Williams shines from this moment on, even though he is a loving father of a truly unruly kid, he has a breakdown, tidy's up his son and makes it look like a suicide. He writes a suicide note that ends up being released in the school paper and all of a sudden his not well to do grade D student, becomes a school sensation and icon for everyone who didn't know him.

The film deals with hard issues, with a skewed outlook on sexuality, secrets and suicide. However, Bobcat's sentimentality reigns high and strong, even when the comedy is downright dirty and disgusting. I got to admit, during Robin Williams break down scene, I felt his agony of not being able to let go. Its a scene like this where Bobcat combines Wes Anderson with a dab Farrelly brothers. But the movie is not without its moments of hilarity with enough laugh out moments to fill out an Apatow movie anyday.

Early press releases on this film suggested Robin Williams did his usually improv's on set, but Williams admits all of it was written and on page by Bobcat, and after watching the film I can only nod in agreement. From the years of watching Shakes the Clown or even Bobcat's stand up 'Share the Warmth' this harkens back to the comedians style. Subversive entertainment with heartfelt moments of shame and humanity. Look for this comedy, it ranks with some of the last decades best, such as 'Wet Hot American Summer', 'There's Something about Mary' and '40 Year Old Virgin', and truly Robin Williams gives one of his best performances since Fisher King.

Also be on the lookout for Spongebob himself, Tom Kenny playing set directon of Dr Dana in the movie! Enjoy!

Elvira Mistress of the Dark (1987)

Elvira Mistress of the Dark (1987)

W: Sam Egan, John Paragon and Cassandra Peterson
D: James Signorelli

The great bad movie hostess, Elvira has her own movie and in great eighties fashion, saves a town from taking itself to seriously. And demonic possessions as well.

The hard rocking and innuendo spouting Elvira is having a tough time getting her dreams of being a Las Vegas act off the ground. Her show is a joke, so she is advised if she wants to go anywhere she’ll have to pay for it. With fifty thousand dollars!

Luckily she inherits the home and belongings of her grandmother, presumably a witch in the town of Falwell. She gets there only to become the central controversy of parents and decent citizens alike. Kids look up to her, men can’t keep their eyes off of her and not to mention her up to no good Great uncle is trying to get his hands on her assets… I mean… ‘cookbook’, A strange book of magic and potions that she is clueless about.

The movie is pretty funny, definetly dated, but has a fun sense of itself, Cassandra Peterson who plays Elvira has good comic timing, though the jokes wear thin after awhile. Its when the ‘cookbook’ comes into play that this movie becomes a good horror comedy. Its high class campy fun.

She even hosts a midnight show where she shows the “worst movie ever”, apparently ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ is it…. I don’t think so. The special effects are neat and there is a great scene involving a crock pot monster. She falls for the hunky theater owner and also does an homage to Flashdance.

The thing that I thought was funny, with as much crude sexual remarks she makes, and hints at her being a nympho, she seems to be a fairly picky one. Just a character inconsistency I thought was funny. A funny line of conversation is when the concerned theater owner asks her ‘ hows your head?” after she bumps it, her reply is “I haven’t heard very many complaints”.

Its quick, witty and like I wrote, campy, and if you can’t go wrong with the highly attractive Cassandra Peterson wearing an impossibly low cut dress throughout.

However, even though Peterson credited Elvira as being created back in her improv days, there was a public out lash from the original Vampira who claimed she ripped off her character. Its debatable, however, there is never enough hot horror hostesses around presenting bad movies. So pass the cake!

Don't Go in the Woods...Alone (1981)

Don’t Go in the Woods…Alone (1981)
Written by Garth Eliassen
Directed by James Bryan


Unintentional humor and gore fill the screens with this low budget horror flick produced in Utah. Apparently our friends from the U.K. banned this during the big video nasty era. Four campers go on a hike and are targeted by a crazed Vietnam vet who dresses up like bird.

The dvd from Code Red, a Media Blasters subsidiary offers two commentary tracks, the second track is worth a listen because its hosted by Deron Miller, lead singer of the band CKY. It offers some humorous antedotes to the film and has some of the cast recalling fond memories. What sets this movie apart is some of the innovativeness of the camera work, some really excellent point of view shots are seen.

But really, this is a pretty bad movie.

Castle of Blood (1964)

Castle of Blood (aka Danse Macabre) (1964)
Written by Sergio Corbucci and Giovanni Grimaldi
Directed by Antonio Margheriti


This effective atmospheric thriller based on a Edgar Allan Poe story stars the beautiful Barbara Steele as an inhabitant of the Blackwood Castle, that is presumably haunted.

Our film starts with Alan Foster, a journalist who wants to interview Edgar Allan Poe, but instead finds himself mixed up with spending an evening in the castle as bizarre bet, that no one makes it out alive. Or ever comes back. Once in the castle he finds he is not alone and as one character explains, that they are damned to replay their deaths for all eternity. Foster falls for Barbara Steele’s character who is trying to help him escape his fate.

This is good horror film, and even though not campy fun like Roger Corman’s Poe movies, is eerie and has lush visuals set against great lighting and fog covered sets. The movie feels like Mario Bava, and with one of spaghetti westerns best writers behind it Corbucci (Great Silence, Django), makes this a must see for those looking for excellent gothic horror. Plus, it has the same tone of Twilight Zone or truly great horror stories of H.P. Lovecraft.

Central Park Drifter (or Graveyard Shift) 1987

Central Park Drifter (1987)
Written by Gerard Ciccoritti
Directed by Gerard Ciccoritti


A New York cab driver (Silvio Oliverio aka Stephen Tsepes) prowls the night streets picking up unsuspecting victims. He’s a 350 year old vampire, and great googily moodily he falls in love with a set designer (Helen Papas) for music videos. He also has a slew of vampresses that are wreaking havoc on unsuspecting men. Meanwhile the police are baffled as to what is causing serial killer like deaths in the city.
The photography is good, and so isn’t the cover of the video… its just boring…There are some good shocks, gore and sex/nudity, but the movie just doesn’t go anywhere spectacular. Sometimes its also a little to rock video.

Title on screen comes up as Graveyard Shift however for this guy, Central Park Drifter is a much more enticing title.

Psychos in Love (1987)

Psychos in Love (1987)
W: Gorman Bechard & Carmine Capobianco
D: Gorman Bechard


Pyscho’s in Love is about two misfit people who happen to be serial murders. Everything is blasé and meaningless unless they have the thrill of the kill in front of them. Carmine Capobianco plays Joe, a lonely man, who runs a bar and is trying to find true love, if he’d just stop killing all the potentials. I have the same problem, jeesh.

Then we meet Kat played by Deb Thibeault, a Molly Ringwald looking beauty who also is trying to overcome her insatiable blood lust for a regular love.

They share two true passions…killing and hating grapes…which we are reminded a dozen or so times before it becomes entirely annoying.

The meet in Joe’s bar. Sparks fly and he doesn’t feel compelled to kill her. Happiness ensues, but like most marriages, it steadily falls back to normal where they want to kill, as if it’s a metaphor for their sex life. They start trying new things, like killing in front of another.

Enter our third killer, a plumber who loves to eat. The people he kills.

Got your list?

Two Killers…check
One cannibal…check
A seriously demented comedy that can’t possibly fail?

It can. As a precursor to far better serial killer comedies, Serial Mom comes to mind, this is just an ok satire. The jokes are groan inducing, and there is a lot of self deprecating humor to boot. Audiences may become quickly irritated with characters turning to the camera and talking directly at it.

My biggest problem is that the movie plays off like a home recorded version of Eating Raoul. The characters are likable enough, but it just keeps playing it safe by reminding you its just a movie. As if it were a Mel Brooks comedy, which it is far from being.

The gore was lite so I was alittle bummed, the cover evidently wants to get consumers to watch it and they promise a lot more than whats in the movie. You’d hope this one came from the Tom Savini school of savagery, especially being a comedy, but it doesn’t.

One really funny scene involves a hooker who refuses to die.

All in all, I wasn’t completely hopelessly in love with it, it has too many in jokes for the producers sake and is actually kind of dull. Worth a watch on a lazy Sunday afternoon, but I wouldn’t go much further than that.

Hell High (1986)

Hell High (1986)
W: Leo Evans & Douglas Grossman
D: Douglas Grossman


I bought this one a while ago when I was going through a horror phase…oh wait… I passed up the opportunity to watch something else every time I thought ‘this’ might be the time I watch this. I think it took a couple of years of overcoming the hilariously cheesy cover art that finally screamed shove this in the player, but man I was not disappointed!

This is a fine example of intelligent writing in the Eighties, where popularity of movies like Prom Night, Terror Train and Cutting Class were dying down, this one like Full Metal Jacket came late in a wave of horror films that nobody was seeing. Too Bad! This one is better than most. It has excellent camera work and actually the best part about it is, the acting!

In the beginning a little girl in the Greaser generation, witnesses a couple about the have sex in her hideout place. The guy gets frustrated and breaks a doll that is just carelessly laying around. The little girl exacts her revenge, by filling up a bucket of sludge and throwing it on them as they leave the area. This causes them to careen off the dirt road over a hill and onto some industrial pipes, killing them.

18 years later, we’re introduced to a bunch of Breakfast Club like teens, the ex-jock, the artsy jerk, the fat guy and rambunctious chick. After dealing with the stresses of school they decide they are going to celebrate by tormenting a teacher they deem annoying, a sweet kind hearted grown up Little Girl! Wa nana NAW!

This turns into a nightmare situation, they basically awaken the dark beast inside her and miss can’t do wrong turns into a violent psychotic killer. The best kind! Pencils go in ears, people get bludgeoned, and arms get sliced off. Its pretty damn awesome. Men scream for Christ sakes, how can it not be awesome!

The dialogue is pretty realistic and the actors are talented at conveying that River’s Edge type of boredom. What I liked most was the fantastic ending. You have to see it for yourself, the movie has a great pay off that you don’t see coming… I didn’t… and that’s what makes this an over looked genre classic, seek it out!

Also look out for John DeBello, director of classic Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, in a cameo role!

S.F.W. (1995)

S.F.W. (1995)
Written by Danny Rubin and Jeffery Levy
Directed by Jeffery Levy


Stephen Dorff commands the screen in this criminally overlooked satire…and its more relevant today than ever. GenX’er Cliff and friend walk into a convenient store only to be held captive for 36 days. Among the captives is Wendy (Reese Witherspoon) who along with Cliff become national icons, for unknown to them, the demands of the terrorists is to run live feed of what is happening within the walls of the store.

We meet Cliff after the ordeal is said and done, we also quickly learn his best friend was killed. And most of the movie is played in flashback and Cliff adjusting to his new stardom. But at what price? The movie offers biting commentary on reality T.V., which is funny because there wasn’t even ten percent of the shows there are now. Jake Busey has all the best lines though, one being “Reality TV is killing Reality.”

S.F.W. means ‘So Fucking What’ and is Cliff’s catchphrase even though when he says it he doesn’t know if the terrorist are going to kill him. Even though he’s made a hero name for himself there is still plenty anti-hero in him. We get to objectively look at what his life is and come up with our own conclusions. One of the best movies of the Nineties, grab this and ‘Love and a .45’ and you will have a good time.

Soundtrack features cuts from Chris Cornell, Soundgarden, Hole, Radiohead and Gwar. Footage from Gwar’s Phallus in Wonderland can be seen, and look out for a super young Tobey Maguire as a stoned out teenager on a bench.