Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus
Written and Directed by Jack Perez

Cross one off of my anticipated movies of the year, here's one for everyone! Actually, I believe the new millenium for midnight movies is upon us, this is fair proof.

Asylum pictures is probably one of the most fruitful name brands in the industry, with a movie a week mentality, the companies president and film makers pretty much can beat any major block buster to home video, before that block buster has been in theaters. Often times they feature actors who could've had a name but didn't manage to find the legs in their careers to do so. But I got to respect a company, no matter how much crap it throws out there on the market, can produce and distribute a film within a months time, thats better than Troma's stats, or even companies like Magnolia. Fortunately for us though, in these hard economic times, we can take them up on their offer.... if you dare to...

Innocently and very eighties like, the movie starts off with an Alaskan exploration, Deborah Gibson playing the typical female brainiac, Emma, is aboard a mini sub trying to communicate to Whales, via playing Mozart as sonar? (!) She and her college professor come across a herd of whales swimming away from something, DUN DUN DAAAA....what could it be?

Above the waters in a Jet flying dangerously low ready to deploy test bombs into a glacier... (cough).... these bombs release the titianic creatures, held imprisoned by ice some odd millions of years ago in while in battle.... its up to the scientists and armed forces to stop these goliaths before they devour the world...

but the movie is called MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS, it spins out of control trying to fit in as many destruction money shots as it can... is this the rival for 2012? who knows...

then the movie becomes a chaotic nonsensical journey, with stereo types every where, the japanese scientist thats straight out of Godzilla and the always reliable Lorenzo Lamas as the captian...

this movie includes set pieces that try to demolish everything in site... because organic living creatures just love to tear apart metal, probably because its inconviencing them... however, the Octopus destroys an oil rig, the shark jumps of the water to take down a 747, Octo beats up submarines like their bowling pins and another great scene is...

"captian, target is going for the golden gate bridge!"

Shark dips its head up and munches down on the golden gate bridge...

all in all, this movie is ace... very bad, very unintelligent, panders to nobodies expectations. There are so many WTF moments, you can help but snigger or cough when something is done or said... also goes to show you, humansare not prepared or capable to handle Prehistoric creatures that get thawed out of ice... i mean these creatures are impervious to any kind of damage caused by bombs or missiles, I mean fuck, we're screwed! MONSTERQUEST take notice!

I know I criticize movies for being too cutesy or not meeting their full potential, I don't think this movie had potential other than the title page of the script... its a ridiculous ride to fun town. It also boasts some impressive CG effects... until it becomes too evident they couldn't afford what they wanted to make... its also fun watching actors like Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas read lines like they are on a bad SNL sketch... oh the pain...

for the midnite crowd, enjoy staying up late with this, however, regular movie goers could and probably would do better on SCI-FI original movies... even if they could, I'd still recommend this....its so fun

Bad Biology (2009)

Bad Biology (2009)

Written by R.A. The Rugged Man Thornburn and Frank Henenlotter

Directed by Frank Henenlotter

Its been over fifteen years since Basket Case 3 came out and Frank Henenlotter has been missing from the scene for a while. Even though he has founded Something Weird Video, which specializes in re-releasing hidden treasures and whacked movies from the forties, fifties, sixties and seventies, he’s been a director I’ve patiently waited for another movie from.

That wait is over….

Some of my favorite movies are cult films, mostly from the eighties, since I’m a child of the time; I grew up watching Toxic Avenger and Little Monsters, always watching fantasy, feeding my imagination. Invariably when I got older I started back cataloging old movies, going on massive whale hunts to find out of print horror films, usually locating them in video liquidation centers, I found some real gems. Gems I’ve kept even when the format is dead.

Then I was introduced to Basket Case. Luckily I’ve been involved with video stores since I was seven, this odd ball movie came into my life when I was about seventeen. Basket Case is a perfect New York slice of underground cinema; depraved, hilarious and sick. Rex Reed venomously gave the movie infamy when he said it was the ‘sickest movie’ he’d ever seen. This was my first foray into Frank Henenlotter’s bizarre world. I felt most welcome. Basket Case 2 and 3 were a little more of the same, with better budgets, and really grounded by two things, Henenlotter’s obsession with the odd and Kevin Van Hentenryck’s performance as the ‘normal’ twin. Brain Damage was another glint of a diamond that I found on tape, boasting a cover with a guys head erupting ala Brazil. Brain Damage has a strong anti-drug message with some great stop motion animation and generally off the wall surrealism, its one not to miss… however, it is a tad dated. The only other movie of Frank’s is Frankenhooker, a hilarious comedy about a man who accidentally kills his girlfriend and pieces her back together with body parts of hookers. It is awesome.

So why the long intro for Bad Biology, a movie that took its sweet time to get to the viewers and fan base? Exactly that. This is a fan base movie. Charlee Danielson plays Jennifer, a seemingly normal girl who takes photo’s for an underground magazine, who unfortunately (?) was born with seven clitoris’s. This gives her an insatiable desire and also a wee bit of a problem with getting pregnant easily…like within two hours of conception.

Yeah…

Then we’re introduced to Batz (played by Anthony Sneed), a guy who has drug problems…or does he? No He’s just got a drug addicted penis. An amazing back story!

But this is Henenlotter’s universe, so anything goes. Characters emotions over take them and things can just happen. I’m kind of thinking, I don’t want to move to New York if this kind of shit is happening. The actors though, new comers, Sneed and Danielson play with a good amount of conviction, Sneed coming off as a counter part to Rick Herbst in Brain Damage. While Charlee Danielson seems like a new hybrid, over sexual version of Terri Susan Smith’s character in Basket Case.

But what I like is that Henenlotter hasn’t conformed but instead invited us into another one of his weird obsessive comedy horrors. He’s actually made a pretty out there movie, which is comfortably made in the wrong era, definitely would’ve played better in the pinnacle of his career. However, as weird and overtly perverse this film is, there is a over bearing sadness to it. An emotional reluctance, which is periodically interrupted, one scene in particular when Jennifer leaves one of her ‘freak babies’ to die, she looks to the camera and asks the viewer to not judge her, but to understand her. But isn’t that the point, we can’t understand these characters, one who’s constantly over stimulated, that being Jennifer, and Batz who can’t get any stimulation because of his ginormous penis. And as sexual this film is, any pervert welcome, the idea of people connecting is there. When Jennifer see’s the after effect of Batz having sex with a hooker, a very funny scene, she only wants to be in Batz life. Batz on the other hand is oblivious to this, and his penis is more and more becoming in control of him through the massive amounts of drugs he’s feeding it.

I like there is a little heart to such a twisted, uncompromising movie, even with the bevy of flesh that is displayed, you never feel it un-necessary or distracts from what is going on, mostly because your face is screwed up in a twisted smile, going ‘wtf?’ Make sure you stick around for the great ending! The film was produced by hip hop artists Jedi Mind Tricks!

However, general biases aside, this is not a film for every body, and trust me, even though this sounds like I just reviewed a porno, it is not. It is a movie a lot of people will hate, if they see it. But I am well versed in the language of Henenlotter’s universe, and if you’re a fan of Toxic Avenger, Killer Condom or even Bloodsucking Freaks, this is up your alley. Buuuuuuuuuutttt…. If your idea is sunshine and rainbows with kittens and a pot of gold…stay away, your eyes will hurt.

This also features a soundtrack composed by R.a. The Rugged Man, and has cuts by the likes of Havoc, Atmosphere and even includes Charliee Danielson singing and playing guitar.

Love me Deadly (1972)

Love Me Deadly (1972)

Written and directed by Jacque Lacerte

Here’s a friendly Necrophilia flick!

Alright, that’s pretty much it… yeah this movie really has nothing to it. It’s a curiousity, while watching it I was trying to figure out whether or not people actually went to the theaters to see this. It reminded me a lot of Joe D’amato and Lucio Fulci movies, you know, the boring ones…

Its about a woman, Lindsay, who can’t handle people, but has a weird sexual appetite for dead people, hah! join the club…right?... She is followed by a sick mortician who recognizes her love for the dead. His scenes are neat, only because when he occupies the scene by himself he is driving picking up male or female prostitutes and draining them of their blood. She ends up getting married to cure her fear of relationships, but soon finds herself to afraid to connect with her husbands, and he discovers her inane infatuation with her dead father.

Its taken very seriously and never has a hint of humor in it. It kind of plays like a Necrophilliacs Guiding Light. And is kind of hard to believe it exists… but it does. It would’ve benefited from actions happening sooner and not moving at a snails pace.

The dvd is available from Shriek Show.

The CandySnatchers (1973)

The CandySnatchers (1973)

W: Bryan Gindoff

D: Guerdon Trueblood

“Money is the root of all happiness” is the opening song in this bizarre-o kidnapping movie that spent many years unreleased in any format. A true exploitation drive in movie, this one is worth seeking out!

I’ve spent many years searching for odd movies, especially obscure ones, whenever companies like Blue Underground or Synapse films bring one out I scramble for it. I finally got around to this one, and boy, what was I waiting for?

It’s the story of three kidnappers, Jessie (playboy playmate Tiffany Bolling), Alan (Brad David) her weird brother, and Eddy (a excellent Vincent Martorano) who plot to nab a girl named Candy (Susan Sennett) whose step father (Ben Piazza) runs a jewelry store. The Nabbers plot that her step dad will pay the ransom in diamonds, and pay a handsome amount. So they bury her alive waiting for him to deliver the ransom. However, when he doesn’t show up to a rendezvous point with money they believe their plan is unraveling and everybody starts losing control.

Its also gets complicated with a mute kid witness, the step dads affair and multiple double crossings.

Some of the scenes I really loved were the interactions with the criminals, their dialogue is fun and never predictable, also intense sequences. Also the scenes with the mute kid offer another unique perspective to the whole story. Its just a weird sub plot that flirts with his abuse from his wicked mother and him witnessing the bumbling criminals at work. I tell you the movie is really, really well though out. The film also hints at incest, and is controversial with rape scenes, murder and questionable motivations.

It also has a wicked surprise ending you really won’t believe.

I loved this movie for its undeniable charm, the ‘criminals’ are actually likable, while the people that we should care for are kind of despicable, in particular Ben Piazza’s performance as the step father. Also his character is one note, but I love his motivations, he uses his daughters kidnapping as an excuse to get inheritance money from her dead father and run off with his employee who he’s sleeping with. I actually thought the script was excellent, considering for an exploitation movie the plot weaves in an out of control every other scene adding more depth and action to each growing moment of tension. It’s a little dated, but it is still a gem.

There are some genuinely surprising moments in the film, and it never gets boring.

The dvd from Subversive Cinema has a featurette about the girls and is presented in 16:9 widescreen.

For fans of Thriller and any Tarantino flick.

Gutterballs (2008)

GutterBalls (2008)

Written and Directed by Ryan Nicholson

There is obviously talent working behind the camera on this movie, too bad its not used to its fullest extent. The film starts off with some annoying ( and gosh do I mean annoying) teens who are on opposing bowling teams, bowling on a league night. After some heated arguments there is a brutal rape that leads to following night where the members of each team are equally brutally murdered one by one. The killer wears a bowling bag over his head.

Is it new?

No.

Should people see it?

Maybe…. It’ll piss a lot of average viewers.

However, I feel I may have not been prepared for some of the things that happen, first off there is graphic nudity in this film, borderline x, and that is only the start of things. I still had fun watching it though, each murder scene out doing the other in grotesque carnarge you can only enjoy in low fi horror films like this. Its just for me its too inspired by better movies, namely Maniac with Joe Spano. The other thing is I can tell the makers want to make a film that is a product of its time, it has the feel of a seventies film for sure, films like Prowler, Thriller and Forced Entry come to mind as far as the inspiration. But the film is a confused kaleidoscope of eras, characters have outrageously short skirts from the seventies, there are also eighties punks and even straight laced early nineties kids.

The actors are very bad, the girls not so bad to look at, but the guys dialogue is their weakest link. All of the leads are really over the top and horrible, none of them really believable. Steve has to at least say fuck over three hundred times in this film. One character tells another her ‘tits defy gravity’…ok….are they inverted? Nah… But to a degree I think it’s a statement of being completely over the top with every category, sex, language and violence are all turned up to eleven.

The film does have good qualities from a film makers perspective, great camera work, good editing, awesome lighting, creative use of soundtrack and wildy inventive death scenes. The death scenes are statements of breaking taboo’s in horror, our first murder scene is a disgusting one that is true horror porn. You won’t believe it written, but its death by 69…yeah…its pretty shocking. Another involves bowling pins going in and out of places they don’t belong and a Trannsexual has his dick cut in half. However there is another attempt at keeping it real, a character practices safe sex! But is still killed. Some other deaths are shot gun decapitation, head crushing, shoe lace strangulation and a bowling ball wax machine used to its best extent. The gore scenes are sick and twisted, but its what keeps you watching. One scene I really thought was well done was a bowling pin bludgeoning that made you feel the impact with the film strip coming off sync with the frame with each hit.

However, starting the film off with a rape scene is just uncool with me, I know the message is to push buttons, but it becomes gross and disgusting near the end of its eight minutes…but that’s the no holds barred notion. It may set a different expectation but its still deplorably even in the over the topness of gross out humor laced horror… its funny in spots….

On a whole, yeah this is an ok movie, especially for the curious crowd trying to find the next shocking movie, we don’t really have the culture in the eighties when films like ‘Last House on the Left’ ‘Cannibal Holocaust’ ‘House at the Edge of the Park’ were being released to infamy. This film could be infamous, but infamy is created with wide release and public knowledge. I just feel this one is a cheap imitation of better movies, namely early eighties flick ‘Intruder’ about people stuck in a grocery store. But the tone feels like an Abel Ferrera flick, grainy like Ms. 45. it’s a slasher film that is redundant, but my god is it gory. The end blood bath is a glorious time for us gore hounds… but if you’re a parent trying to torment your children on Halloween, or scare them…you’ll probably get them to not try any hasty advanced sexual acts that can lead to death.

But you also might be better off with classics.

This should make Uncle Lloyd Kaufman happy.